lostinrainbows: 2010

Grand Mal

It's not déjà vu. It really can't be. You have experienced this once before. Just take a second to think about it. Try to remember the first time you felt like that. A sense of lightheadedness, nausea, and a handful of unusual and inappropriate emotions. This is called Aura. It's when an isolated area of your mind gets hit. It's just a matter of time until it spreads to your whole brain. The cause is more than obvious to you. The symptoms are unbearable though. It might last a few seconds or hours. Your odd, repetitive movements are pointless.
A few minutes later, you lose consciousness and your skeletal muscles tense. You're at the Tonic phase. Your fall cannot be avoided. And you've got only one place to fall. The soil is your home now. Seconds become years and the tick of the clock on the wall hurts your hearing. Even if you're still unconscious.
Then you start twitching, and every single inch of your body is shaking violently. That's the Clonic phase.
You realize that we're not after the same rainbow's end anymore. And that breaks your aching heart. And mine breaks into a million of pieces, right in front of you.
It's time to sleep.

The Door of Unhappiness

And it was like giving four sharp knocks at the door of unhappiness.¹

Yesterday was too early. Tomorrow is going to be late. Now is the time. A very special moment. Great and grotesque at the same time. The moment you realize who you really are. The moment you understand that you don't fit in this world. That you don't really care about what is going to happen in the next few minutes.
At first, you try to learn how to cope in a world that seems to prefer the norm. However, later you feel exposed, afraid, and indifferent. Wilderness becomes more acute as the time goes by. You can only experience distant voices and whispers, blurred imagery, and deafening car horns. The sun is extremely bright. Or maybe not. You cannot be sure. All your vital signs are low. Life seems to play in fast forward for you now.
You seem to react in a way that you always wanted to avoid, and then you realize that you're nothing more than a trite, consciously shallow person. All your efforts eventually focus on the deceit of yourself. You struggle to ignore other people's truthfulness and trust your own mind.
You're all alone now. And you can state this devoid of fear or doubts, because that's the only thing you can finally believe heart and soul.

¹Albert Camus - L’Étranger


The Snake: This carnivorous reptile that waits for its prey in a dark hole. Using its infrared sensitivity to track it down. It needs to survive. It needs to eat. You.
You can't get passed it. It will lure you into its nest, eventually. Once you get in, you can't escape. You can't escape the nest.
Somehow, you have to tackle it. The trap is in front of your eyes. Be proactive. Lift that heavy rock and smash its head. Now is the time. If you think about it twice, you will end up pushing daisies. But that's not your motive.
No, it's not. There is something inferior that motivates you. Use that motive. You know better. It's time for that breakthrough.


Overstimulated senses. A black hole capable of swallowing every emotion that gets in its way. A galactic beast that wants you to quit. No matter the consequences. A potent force that gives you nothing more than pain. Again.
There's a switch you have to flip. Within the city limits. You're searching for the switch. It will show you the way. The solution. The light. The joy.
Your tears touch the cold ground, while you walk. Always in the city centre. Your never-ending quest has just began. You can't escape now. You and only you have to finish this. No one can help.
Imagine a circle
You're on its perimeter
You spin like an electron
You want to reach the center

Someday you'll find your way
Your tears will dry
Your face will shine
The present will become past

No Reason Ever Was Given

Stranded outside in the rain.
Watching the trains go by.
There's nothing I can do to stop them.
I don't want to. I need a ride. With you.
Trains go by as fast as the thoughts on my mind.
Our heads touch each other. I think I can read your thoughts.
Mine are sealed, trapped inside my brain, encrypted in a language I can't speak.
I want you to help me. Unlock them for me. I know you can.

The Forbidden Book

This is the forbidden book.
Everything I have ever known or learned is there.
The past is on its pages, looking straight at my eyes.
There are many blank pages in the end.
That's the future. My future. Our future.
And it's forbidden. I can't read it.
It's there. I can't see it.
No matter how much I try, not even one of those pages will divulge something about the future.
My future.
Our future.
And that's the joy of it all.